Oh, Crap!

Poop is one of my favorite subjects. It's surprising I haven't talked about it before. Just ask any of my friends or family. I have no qualms about talking about my poop. Now it is time to tell you.

Last night I went to a show at a venue near my house. I walked there, naturally. I sat for a while, sipping my G&T when it hit me. I had some stomach cramps going on. I tried to discreetly pass gas, but nothing would pass. I noticed that the room was starting to feel really hot. Then I figured out it was me. I decided it was time to take a little trip to the bathroom.

When I got there, a girl was waiting outside the bathroom. I suddenly felt a little relief knowing I would be alone in the room. When the girl came out of the bathroom, it was all of a sudden obvious that there were two stall in the room. Great. I was going to have to crap/fart with someone else in the room. Also, there was no lock on the stall door.

I got down to business, but I was lucky. The bathroom was right next to the stage, so none of my business could be heard. And I emptied out my bowels. It was a hunched over type dump. Unfortunately, someone came into the bathroom and opened my stall door, though I tried to make it obvious when they walked in that I was in it by grabbing the door with my hand. (This was easy since I was folded in two at this point.)

I finished up, thinking that would have to trek back home after only being there for a portion of the first act. I got up to flush the toilet, and I promise it was not pretty. Then I pushed the flushy lever, but there was no movement in the toilet. I started to freak out. While I don't mind emptying my guts in public, I don't want people having to look at it. I pleaded with the forces of nature to make the toilet flush, and slowly but surely a slow swirl started to form.

Everything went down and I went out to wash my hands. I dabbed the sweat off my face and neck and looked in the mirror. It wasn't so bad. I was determined to stick it out. I went back to the bar, and all signs of my prior cramps were gone. I stayed through all four acts and got sufficiently buzzed to be able to walk home with blistery feet all five blocks. Replacing poop with beer is always a good thing.