One of Those Days

It's days like today that I feel lonely. It's not even a realistic kind of lonely.

I've become a dating realist since starting law school. I don't believe I will ever see someone in real life that I will desperately want to be with. At least I'm pretty sure of that here in Portland.

I finished reading a book last night where the heroine gets the guy she's had a major crush on the entire book. She totally thinks he's out of her league. Guess what eventually happens. He admits he's liked her since the first time he saw her. He's been trying to get her since then. So, not only does she get him, he's really sweet as well.

How realistic is that? And that's why I know my loneliness isn't a realistic lonely. Because I want what she's got. And I just don't think that exists.

Books and movies have tried to fool us with romance. I've grown wiser. I've learned what it really is -- fiction.

Most of the time, though, I'm not lonely. Knowing it doesn't happen like that helps. It's just when you get a great mental image of how it should be the loneliness sets in.

So I spend the day looking, and that makes it even more disappointing. I want to see just one person who makes me look twice. Instead, I take second looks trying to find something attractive. And it's not here. Am I looking in the wrong place? I think I'm just in the wrong place.

So I'll take a few days, but I'll get over it. I know it doesn't exist, but I can't help wanting it. I think that's the loneliest part of it all.

So far today...

... I watched the bus pull away from the stop as I walked up, only to have the next bus show up less than a minute later.

... The bus was nice and empty because it came so soon after the previous one.

... I remembered to call and tell my mother happy birthday.

... I found out one of my dearest friends made a 31 on the MCAT after she had been studying to make above a 30 for almost a year.

... I had to work to keep myself from crying because I was so happy for my friend.

... The tip of the day from my wizard office assistant (mircosoft office, that is) was "If you run with scissors, you could hurt yourself."

... I laughed so hard I almost started crying again.